Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Once Raging Fire

I am sitting here waiting for the weather to change, so I can take the dog out. It has been looking like it is going to storm for hours. I just read something from a good friend of mine, who referenced the "once raging fire within" being reduced to "embers." And then quickly added, as he in his wisdom does regularly, that this would most certainly change. That change is certainity. That certainity is change. He is always astute at reflecting the impermanence of things, all things.

I am cursed, or perhaps blessed, with moods that rage with joy and anger, depression, anxiety, and then are reduced to embers. It is a very painful and very frightening condition. I have been faced with a mild recurrence of this in the last couple of weeks, mainly triggered by stress at work. What if I understand this through the lense of change. That these feeling states, too, are impermanent. That impermanence in my moods is certain. What if I separate these states from compartmentalization into "good" and "bad," and just see them as so. Just so. What if I just observe, like a participant-observer visiting a strange culture from far away?

Observation would require detachment from the pain. It would also require detachment from the pleasure. Ah, there is the tricky part. This process would ask me to be present and accepting of a fear of aloneness, that most difficult of existential battles. Even more intricate...

Still waiting on the weather to leave my apartment. I am just going to venture out, the weather is bound to change.

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