Saturday, June 11, 2011

Betwixt and Between

Tomorrow is gay-pride day here in Philadelphia. I won't be going. I can't make that statement without feeling a twinge of guilt and loss. Four years ago, I was still in a long-term relationship with a woman, one that lasted eight, almost nine years. Everyone knew about my "partner;" I made sense to people back then. Maybe in some way it simplified my understanding of myself. It made explanation unnecessary.

I am single now, and people are confused. They don't know "what" I am. My former partner wonders about my attachment to a man. Men I meet wonder what it means that I "go both ways." Of course, I come across the ones that think it means you want to have a threesome.

Tomorrow my "community" will march in a parade and celebrate being "gay." Yeah, there is a bisexual group with which I could align. I don't want to be shoved into a box. Tired of boxes.

So, tomorrow I will remember the love and attraction I had with my partner, her curly hair, and gregarious, loving heart. And, I will sort through my attractions to men. I will remember my marriage, and the nonjudgmental, forgiving man that was my husband. Tomorrow, I won't step into "community," but will be an intricate part of more than one, by default.

1 comment:

  1. Good post. Interesting how these communities tend to self-regulate and, while ostensibly agitating for equality with and recognition by the larger heterosexual community, are consistently engaged with telling its members who they are or should be and why, the boxes into which they should fit, as it were.

    The idea that a group comprising individuals insistent on manifesting their individuality is peopled with those looking to enforce conformity (there's no such thing as bisexuality; you're gay or you're not) is interesting, no?